I'm really trying. I was struck by how sad I have become and how close happiness is to me at all times. There are things I desire greatly; almost so great it brings tears to my eyes. I want to move back to Michigan. I want to move back to Grand Rapids. I feel like I've been on an extended vacation that I no longer want to be a part of. A vacation that has turned into a prison term. And now that I know I want to go back to my home where my roots are and always will be, I feel like I never will be able to. I feel like I have amputated a limb that is now impossible to reattach. Logic, emotion and reason are no comfort. Right now I am being confronted with the realization that I may be stuck in Chicago for the rest of my life. This is a terrifying thought that I am completely unequipped to deal with right now. But right now is when I have to deal with it. The only way I can ever leave is if I can deal with the fact that right now, I cannot leave. This is what I believe to be Patience. I have very little Patience and have never spent a great deal of time trying to cultivate it. I guess now is the time when I will either cultivate it and move on with my life, or I won't and I will be stuck forever. The dark side is awful because there never seems to be any end to it. The dark side is inherently hopeless while the light side is inherently hopeful. The light side also feels endless and you never remember any of the dark thoughts when you are in it. I have yet to understand that they are both beautiful. This is one thing I must learn before I can ever find peace. Before I can ever leave my vacation.
I am trying to convince myself that change does not occur for me and that I am somehow the exception to the rule.
I'm being a bit foolish...
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